Punjab Airways

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen'lemen. P'rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b'cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d'rectly in your v'llage.

P'njaab Airways has exc'llant record for safety. In fact our safety
standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to 'nounce that starting this year over 20% of our p'ssaingers have reached to their dest'nation. That is a 100% improvement over the last year.

For the rest 80%, the P'njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Balwinder (Bubbly) Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies and other plans.

If engines are too noisy, on p'ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p'ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened for you to enjoy sound effects.

For your viewing convenience. For p'ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat. You can see the sarson fields and klownies while you travel.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent'tainment. Our trained hostesses Bubbly Kaur; Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!! Please give them enough room to dance in the walkway as they are big in size.

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P'ronthas and Lassi..

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. **Charge is only 10% for country liquor served from Red Label Bottles. *

*Patiala** pegs will be served only on Patiala flights for genuine Patiala psaingers who can be easily identified by their special aroma by our trained air hostesses.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P'njaab Airways flights over P'njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines. Please make sure that pilot is awake when you go to inform him.

Please do read the 'structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. This will also be used as a hand fan. Please fold and keep it back for next psaingers before you alight. The P'ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off and landing.. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets. Please take the used bags with you and throw in the kachra bin kept outside the airport for your convenience.

Thank you once again for flying with P'njaab Airways. We hope you will go where you wanted to go.

Amazing photos of the volcanic eruption in Iceland

Have a look at the Eyjafjallajokull eruption here...

Old Sher

An old sher that I was reminded of today...


चंद जले आशार, कुछ हसीनाओ के खतो-खुतूत,

बाद मेरे मरने के, सामां यह मेरे घर से निकला ...

Ooof....too much dard!

True Teachers

True teachers are those who use themselves as bridges over which they invite their students to cross; then, having facilitated their crossing, joyfully collapse, encouraging them to create their own.

-Nikos Kazantzakis, poet and novelist (1883-1957)

Bhagwad Gita and Junk Mails

Bhagwad Gita -Lord Krishna's explanation of Junk Mails !

Krishna: Arjun , Try to respect the e-mails of your elders ..

Arjun: But Vasudev, how dare I send junk mails to my honorable elders who are logged on to honorable domains?

Krishna:  Paartha,  at this moment they neither are your friends nor your foes. They are mere mail-users. So follow your Net-dharma. Logon and send dozens of junk mails. This is your Karma and this alone is your Dharma.

Arjun: Murari ! After seeing all this, I feel like resigning from Software

Industry itself...

Krishna:  Bandhu, it seems you are caught in a vicious circle of Maaya. In this material world you have none and you are committed to none. Junk mails have existed before you came to this world and shall remain long after you are gone. Rise above this Maaya and perform your duty. Just keep sending junk mails.

Arjun:  but Devaki Nandan...........!

Krishna:  Victory or failure is not in your hands. So stop pondering about results. Don't waste your knowledge on the junk shastra bestowed by your Guru Dronacharya.

Arjun: Hey Keshav, how is junk mail related to the ' system ' ?

Krishna:  Junk mail is just junk mail. It has no connection with Hardware. However, it is another matter that it overloads the system... fills up the hard disk....but you are not supposed to worry  about it. Listen Kunti putra, the way Aatma leaves one physical body and moves onto another, likewise these junk mails move from system to system.

Arjun:  How can one define junk mail?

Krishna: Neither fire can burn it.., nor air can dry it... neither it can be conquered nor it can be defeated. He who sends junk mails cannot be looked down upon even by Mahadev... Junk mails are immortal.

Arjun: Hey Narayan ! Now all my doubts on junk mail are crystal clear.You have opened my eyes Yashoda Nandan, or else I would have lost myself in Maaya and read all the junk mails myself.

........ MAHAAABHAAAAARAT .............

Years have passed since then, generations have come and gone, seasons have cycled, technology advanced, but junk mails remain  So, go on, contribute something to the history by hitting that forward button yet again to send this junk mail to all!!

A brief history(??) of India

A BRIEF BUT Complete History of India : As written by a Std X schoolboy, with all the original spellings. Please pay special attention to the spellings and the "derived" nomenclature. If you don't know all this -- you are history!!!

The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.

Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.

In olden times there were two big families in India . One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.

In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.

The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan.

After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.

Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted toproduce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.

In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.

Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.

So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.

Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.

Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.

Quotes!

Credulity is belief in slight evidence, with no evidence, or against evidence.
- Tryon Edwards

The credulity of dupes is as inexhaustible as the invention of knaves."
- Edmund Burke

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
- Anonymous

There is no sin except stupidity.
- Oscar Wilde

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
-Anonymous

Om Prakash Aditya

I am a great fan of Om Prakash Aditya. He was a great hindi poet and satirist. A master of laughter in the pre-cable days, he commanded great admiration at DD on the regularly broadcast "Hasya Kavi Sammelan".

Remembering him I got to know that he passed away some six months ago in an accident! May God rest his soul in peace.

Some lines from a poem of his...it is the lamentation of a student about the vast course syllabus.

नास हो इतिहास का, सन के समंदर बह गए,
मर गए वो लोग, रोने के लिए हम रह गए,
बाबर, हुमायूँ, शाहजहाँ, और अकबर आप था,
कौन न जाने किसका बेटा, कौन किसका बाप था!

ज़िन्दगी भर लिख न पाया मैं चेकोस्लोवाकिया

अंक के  अतिरिक्त  मुझको  और  कुछ  भाता  नहीं,

क्या  करूँ लेकिन  गुणा करना  मुझे  आता  नहीं,

अकल अल-जब्रा  हमारी  जाएगी  जड़  से  पचा,

तीन  मैं  से  छह गए  और  क्या  बाकी  बचा?

भुगूल  में  गत  वर्ष  आया  गोल  है  कैसे  धरा,

और  मैंने  एक  पल  मैं  लिख  दिया  उत्तर  खरा,

गोल  है  पूरी  कचोरी, और पापड़  गोल  है, 

गोल  है  लड्डू, जलेबी, रसगुल्ला भी  गोल  है,

गोलगप्पा  गोल  है  मुंह  भी  हमारा  गोल  है  

इस  लिए  हे मास्टरजी  यह  धरा  भी  गोल  है.

Childhood fantasies

Some things never die. When we were young, there used to be this popular belief amongst us kids that one could make an eraser from pencil shavings. My brother and I were serious subscribers to this strange alchemy experiment. Once our mother got us a new box of pencils (yipee!) and we dutifully sharpened it away  completely to gather the wooden shavings. The scolding was unbelievable!

I had forgotten all about my belief in this Indian Alchemy till recently. My brother has told me that his son and daughter are the latest proponents of this idea. When the son was quizzed (he is elder) as to where did he get to learn such nonsense, he replied, "मेरे दोस्त ने स्कूल में बताया था!"

I think this is a kind of rumour that gets handed down from one generation to the next! If you have any rumours of your to share, please do comment.

Chappal Saathi

Sometimes, we use a thing due to habit, it becomes second nature. We are dependent on it for our comfort. If we are away from it, a strange emptiness nags at the back of the mind. It is difficult to wean oneself away from such habits.

Happened with me in the case of a pair of slippers. I purchased this leather pair from a shop near my home. It was super comfy and I was hooked. Alas it did not last forever and was in tatters some 2 years later (What else do you expect from footwear that I would have worn to bed, had not my wife given me that look). I went to the same shop for another pair but he told me that it was not available any longer! I refused to part with my old pair and continued to wear it, despite my wife's remonstrations and threats.

I was in a mall one day and saw someone else wearing the same pair. My heart jumped for secret joy! Gathering courage, I went up to the chap and asked him very sheepishly about where he got that pair. The chap gave me the biggest of the smiles and mentioned the same shop I had purchased them from. When I recounted my failed mission to purchase another pair from that shop, he responded, "यार बात तो है इस चप्पल में...मैं भी ढूंढ रहा हूँ! मिले तो बताना!" When I told my wife about my "Encounter with the Stranger in the Mall", she burst out laughing and said, "वो आपका चप्पल साथी हुआ!"

I am still searching. I found a comparable pair and was compelled to throw my old pair, but alas, the new ones don't match it so far.

Sajan Re Jhooth Mat Bolo

The simple lyrics, the deeply meaningful words, the gentle sway of the folk music and the amazing cinematography of this song make it one of my favourites!

Facebook

Oh when I sneeze

I want the world to know

And in Facebook I’ve found

The means make it so

When I scratch my face

My friends must be informed

Privacy has lost the war

Another bastion stormed

When I wipe my butt

And the paper is 2-ply

Everyone must learn

What, when and why

When the weather is sunny

The word must go out

And when it is cloudy

My Facebook must shout

When the kids are naughty

I must share my woe

And when they are nice

The world must surely know

My life’s an open (Face)book

Though nothing’s worth a read

But everyone knows my moods

Everyone knows my needs

And of course, I can ‘like’

And I can ‘nudge’ and ‘poke’

It gives me a definite high

Much higher than coke

I am constantly in touch

With people far and wide

All hear every word

All hear every aside

So, keep on writing, folk

I need my fix for sure

I am now picking my nose

Thought you'd like to know

– Kishore Asthana

How to catch a Lion

Newton 's Method:

Let, the lion catch you..

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:

Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.

Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.

Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:

Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.

If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:

Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Rajnikanth Method :

Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.

The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:

Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method:

Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.

Keep murmuring something in its ears.

The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method:

Send a lioness into the forest.

Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.

Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.

First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.

But 2nd lioness loves both lions.

Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.

You don't understand right... Ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method:

Take the lion to Australia or US.. And kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:

Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. The Lion will drop dead just watching!

Menaka Gandhi method:

Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:

Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:

Ask the lion to bowl at u.

U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run

Lion tired and surrenders

More quotations

An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.

~John Junor~

An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.

~Robert A. Humphrey~

Annual income twenty pounds,

annual expenditure nineteen point six,

result happiness.

~Charles Dickens (1812-1870)~

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.

~Dale Carnegie~

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

~Rose Franken~

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.

~Proverbs 23:7~

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.

~Bob Inglis~

Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.

~Bette Davis~

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words:

" I do not know."

~Andre Maurois~

Constant dripping hollows out a stone.

~Lucretius~

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

~Anonymous~

Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.

~Thomas Szasz~

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

~Kin Hubbard~

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.

~Samuel Paterson~

Count your blessings, they are more than you think, and more than you are told.

~MountainWings~

Why do we shout when we are angry!

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

The disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.

Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'

The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Geometry can be tough!

The toughness will make you want to play this game again and again! My best is 3.2.

Kya tere baap kaa road hai?

An apocryphal story involving Russi Mody. (Ex MD Tata Steel, Jamshedpur)

I would like to believe that the following story actually happened. It is so typically Russi. It is said that once Russi Mody was on an official trip to (the then) Bombay. Even though it was a Sunday morning, Russi had to visit Bombay House, the Corporate Head Quarters of the Tata Group. Russi was driving a Mercedes himself as it was a Sunday and there was very little traffic and also it was the chauffeur's day off. Russi was wearing simple shorts and a T shirt.

Knowing that he would take just a few minutes to finish his work in Bombay House and that it was a non-working day in the business district with very low traffic, he decided to take liberties to park his Merc in an other-wise no parking zone. A conscientious traffic cop noticed all this and he immediately rushed to Russi who had started sauntering towards the Bombay House entrance.

In a gruff voice the Pandu Havaldar asked Russi. "Kyun bhidu, baap kaa sadak samajh kay rakha hai kya?"

Russi very non-chalantly replied: "Haan kuchh aisa hi hai. Aapko English padhna aata hai kya?"

Then he gently held the Pandu's arm and walked him to the kerbside and pointed to the metal signage of the road. He asked the cop "Kya Likha Hai?"

The cop said "Sir Homi Mody Street".

 A mischievously smiling Russi discloses"Woh Mera Baap Tha".

Russi was allowed to leave his car parked in the "No Parking" Zone that Sunday morning.

Three Parables to make you Think

The Turtles

A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!

For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.

Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'

[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we do not do anything ourselves.]

The Frogs

A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.

The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'

[Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]

The Pretty Lady

Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.

The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet... The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.

Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'

[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]

Johnny Johnny Reloaded

Johny Johny
Yes Papa

Pvt Company
Yes Papa

Any Motivation
No Papa

Many Tension
Yes Papa

Do u Sleep well
No Papa

Boss Ki Galiyan
Yes Papa

Increment
Ha ha ha :)

Friendship!

Friendship is not about “I m sorry “ its about “abbe teri galti hai “

Friendship is not about “I m there for u” or “I missed u “ it’s about “kahan marr gaya saale “

Friendship is not about “I understand “ its about “sab teri wajah se hua manhus“

Friendship is not about “I care for u “ its about “kamino tumhe chhod ke kahan jaunga “

Friendship is not about “I m happy for ur success “its about “chal party de saale“

Friendship is not about “I love that girl“ its about “saalo izzat se dekho tumhari bhabhi hain “

Friendship is not about “R u coming for outing tomorrow “its about “ nautanki nahi, hum kal bahar ja rahe hai “

Friendship is not about “Get well soon “its about “ Itna piyega toh yehi hoga“

Friendship is not about “All the best for ur career“ it’s about “ bahut hua, abhi toh switch mar saale“