Went to a party recently, a muhurat, a religious ceremony for a new house plus a house warming party. Once the religious ceremonies were over, the party mood took over. I saw a few people at the party, the types you are likely to run into at an Indian party. I will attempt to describe some of the common species of party animals.
The Middle Aged Uncleji - Around 40-50 years of age and fails to recognise that life has caught up with him. Knows everyone at the party, and if he doesn't, shows that he knows by talking in a boisterous manner to the person in question, trying to show off all his contacts and trying to find some common link, so that everyone around is impressed by his range of contacts and the deep relationships he has with everyone he names. Of course, fails to impress anyone. Has a fresh stain of sauce on his shirt, but fails to see it, as he is too busy impressing others. Hails all waiters that are passing by with the refreshments and snacks, and makes sure that he enjoys more than the value of the gift he has given, with the snacks alone; let alone the food. As a result, has the largest pot-belly around. Thus, occupies more than 66.66% of the dance floor, and is least bothered that other people's bodies are getting crushed. Dances with bad steps and a sort of epileptic fit combined with mosquito-swatting action. Requests all the bad numbers to be played again and again. When his favorite song is stopped suddenly, is the largest to groan with an abuse or two thrown in towards the DJ for good measure. Favorite dance numbers include Nagin dance, with a handkerchief as the been, and any gyrations on any Punjabi song, especially those sung by by Gurdas Mann or Hansraj Hans. Thinks he is Amitabh Bacchan and loves to dance with a borrowed dupatta.
The Middle Aged Auntieji - Typically is the wife of the Uncleji mentioned above. Garish makeup and equally garish jewellery makes sure that she along with her massive frame, is the star attraction of the party; the centerpiece of the party, so to speak. Loves to gossip (who doesn't) but her speciality is gossip of the moment, e.g. which woman is eating the most snacks and who had a tiff with the hostess, just now. Keeps sitting on a large chair near the DJ floor, and has a large group of boys, men, girls and women coming to her and "Pairi Pauna" her at regular intervals, before they go up to dance on the floor. Seems like she is the Guru Hanuman and they are the Shishyas and Shishyaas who are about to enter the Akhara. Is the fastest match-maker in the room, with a world-record time of 4 minutes and 39 seconds. It is another matter that the matches she makes last even lesser! Typically frowns at her husband, the aforementioned species, for dancing badly, borrowing dupattas and generally making an ass of himself in front of everyone.
The Prodigal Son a.k.a. Puttarji - Progeny of Uncleji and Auntieji. Belongs to 15-25 age group (of course) and his life is a mess. He knows it, his parents know it, trouble is they are unwilling to admit it. Of course, they want to improve it, but as I said, they are unwilling to openly admit it. So, when uncleji and auntieji find time from their busy schedule, they will discuss the problems of their son loudly with anyone and everyone within earshot. Depending on the age of the son, the problems change and so does the conversation.
a. 16-17 - Admission in some good college - "Hum to foreign bhejne ki soch rahe hain, yahan to padhai bilkul bekar hai" - Ends up in some seedy college in Guatemala (political science), Checheya (medicine), Guangzhong (medicine again), Nigeria (economics and business management) or best of all Siberia (human rights).
b. 20-22 - Job - "Main to kal hee minister sahab se baat kar ke lagwaa doon, par favour nahin lena chahta. Phir election ke time yehi log bahut dukhi karte hain." "Aap ke bade bhaisahab ka toh apna kaam hai, dekh lein jara, waise mere ladke ko koi kami nahin hai. Aaj business shuru karwa doon import-export ka, lekin soch raha tha thoda experience gain kar le pehle!" Import-export! The guy doesn't know Pakistan from Bangladesh!
c. 23-24 - Job Change - "Waise to teen managers isse report kar rahein hain, lekin yeh chaah raha tha ki office thoda ghar ke paas ho, travelling mein bahut time waste hota hai". It is of course another matter that the boy doesn't know the difference between a quotation and price list!
c. 25 - Marriage - "Aajkal achhi ladkiyan milti kahan hain. Shaadi se pehle 5 boyfriend aur shaadi ke baad 10. Na baba!" "Aap ke pados main to koi ho to mujhe jaroor batana." "Mera ladka laakhon mein ek hai!" Yes, absolutely right, it is difficult to find a more stupid guy in at least one million (dus lakh).
The "Sophisticated" - Generally a group of women, somewhat younger than the Auntieji mentioned above. Typical numbers range from 2-5. You will never find one alone, they always manage to make a group. Love to criticise; the ambience - "such middle class arrangements!"; the host/hostess - "when i give a party, lunch is never late!"; the snacks - "pakore garam nahin hain!", "sauce teekhi nahin hai!"; music - "yeh DJ bilkul bekar hai!"; uncleji - "he is such a boor!"; auntieji - "she is such a showoff!"; other not-so-sophisticated types - "did you see her saree? did u see her purse? how boring!" "behenjee lagti hai, nahin?" etc. Their only saving grace are their perfumes, but most turn this into a negative by bathing in them and managing to leave a stink. Secretly discuss low-fat recipies, latest TV soaps and bargain hunting in Karol Bagh and Lajpat Nagar.
The Downtrodden - The anti-thesis to "The Sophisticated Group". Not well-to-do and therefore feels out of place in the party. Tries to hide behind other people. Looks with wonder at the small joys of like like Air-Conditioning. Hopes no one opens the Shagun envelope in their presence.
The TV/Movie Lover - Can be a man or a woman, depending on your luck, but the widest geographical distribution is of the former. Will corner anyone and discuss all that he has seen, not seen, planning to see, planning not to see, what to avoid, what not to avoid etc. Is least bothered whether the other person is listening or not, has a TV or not, has money to watch movies or not, or is alive or has dropped dead. Provides critical comments and detailed comparison and contrasts between SRK and AB. Rarely do they not add, "I can do it better than them." Trouble erupts when his favourite movie star is not from your mother tounge, like discussing Rajnikanth movies in North Indian parties, since he insists on mouthing all the dialogues from his latest hit, e.g. Baba.
Cricket Lover - Close cousin of the "The TV/Movie Lover". Shares all characteristics with him, but this one is generally equally distributed between boys and men. If he is a boy then you can easily shake him off by sending him on an errand and then vanishing from the scene. If he is a man, then it is difficult to shake him off. You can try your luck by asking him to show the runup of Akram, McGrath, Pathan or any other fast bowler. That ensures that he goes away a considerable distance. You SHOULD seize this opportunity to leave the scene immediately.
Trouble has increased on this front recently. With Sourav's ouster as the captain, he is likely to either vehemently oppose or support the decision. Neutrality is passé and you are in trouble. If you oppose Sourav's ouster you will be immediately branded as a disloyal Indian who doesn't want to win the world cup 2007; and if you perchance support his ouster then you are a disloyal Indian who stabs an old-hand in the back. As someone said "Damned if you do and damned if you don't." Or as we might say in Hindi "Chit main jeeta pat tu haara, aur sikka to hai hee mere baap ka" (Heads I win, tails you lose and in any case the coin belongs to my father.)
Silent and Brooding - Definitely male. Stands in a corner, with a drink in hand. Watches with uninterest everything around. Used to dress in grey, black or other dark colours. Now can be found in these and earthen colors like olive green, mustard etc. Has tried to committ suicide at least once or has definite plans for the same in the next 24 hours. Shakes his head at least once every five minutes and with a disgusted look on his face mutters to himself something like "these people". Bête noires include children, happy people, couples, anyone indulging in any conversation and chirpy girls. Hates parties, but hangs around for the free booze.
Dipsomaniac a.k.a. Bewdaa - The name speaks for itself. Stands really close to the bar. Mostly gets a chair and places it there to remove the hassle of getting up and getting a refill. Knows the barman from previous parties (same or other places) and gets special treatment since he remembers the barman's name. Does not favour any soda or water with his favourite poison; only on the rocks. That way alcohol consumption per minute is higher. Generally an ex-"silent and brooding", but then discovered the joys of drinking. Favours old tastes like VAT69 Rum and Whisky. Does not go for fancy stuff like beer. Occasionally seen to drink Tequilla and Vodka, especially when trying to impress anyone from "The "Sophisticated" Group".
Busy - Almost always a man. Businessman or a bigshot in the corporate sector. Carries a cell-phone, a PDA, a laptop and other assorted gizmos in his various pockets. When enters a room, first looks for the nearest power source to charge his various gadgets, then searches for someone to talk to and something to eat/drink. Has something or the other beeping every nanosecond or so and manages to run his office from the party. If he talks loudly on his cellphone, then he is on his way to becoming "uncleji". If walks out of the room to talk on the phone, then there is still hope! Loves to talk about his latest car, latest girlfriend (whether he is married or not, does not matter), latest takeover, latest promotion and latest everything. Therefore, also known as a bore.
Netaji - Local politician of little or no importance. Highly self-important. Has an entourage of a driver and a hired private security guard, all of which fit in an old beat-up Ambassador/Maruti 800/Omni Van. The guard is hired since the police does not share the threat perception as understood by Netaji and therefore does not provide any police protection to him. The guard looks margilla (weakling) and does not look capable of defending himself against a strong gust of wind, let alone protect Netaji from terrorists. Netaji can be found wearing Khadi, but there is a new trend these days. Silk. In that case, Netaji is rich businessman with political ambitions, has a Honda City, Lancer Accent, or any of the SUVs and talks in the best of the mobiles. In both cases, he is a wannabe but never a guy with true potential.
Yours Truly - Has no job except type out long and purposeless lists of people who can be found at a party.
The Middle Aged Uncleji - Around 40-50 years of age and fails to recognise that life has caught up with him. Knows everyone at the party, and if he doesn't, shows that he knows by talking in a boisterous manner to the person in question, trying to show off all his contacts and trying to find some common link, so that everyone around is impressed by his range of contacts and the deep relationships he has with everyone he names. Of course, fails to impress anyone. Has a fresh stain of sauce on his shirt, but fails to see it, as he is too busy impressing others. Hails all waiters that are passing by with the refreshments and snacks, and makes sure that he enjoys more than the value of the gift he has given, with the snacks alone; let alone the food. As a result, has the largest pot-belly around. Thus, occupies more than 66.66% of the dance floor, and is least bothered that other people's bodies are getting crushed. Dances with bad steps and a sort of epileptic fit combined with mosquito-swatting action. Requests all the bad numbers to be played again and again. When his favorite song is stopped suddenly, is the largest to groan with an abuse or two thrown in towards the DJ for good measure. Favorite dance numbers include Nagin dance, with a handkerchief as the been, and any gyrations on any Punjabi song, especially those sung by by Gurdas Mann or Hansraj Hans. Thinks he is Amitabh Bacchan and loves to dance with a borrowed dupatta.
The Middle Aged Auntieji - Typically is the wife of the Uncleji mentioned above. Garish makeup and equally garish jewellery makes sure that she along with her massive frame, is the star attraction of the party; the centerpiece of the party, so to speak. Loves to gossip (who doesn't) but her speciality is gossip of the moment, e.g. which woman is eating the most snacks and who had a tiff with the hostess, just now. Keeps sitting on a large chair near the DJ floor, and has a large group of boys, men, girls and women coming to her and "Pairi Pauna" her at regular intervals, before they go up to dance on the floor. Seems like she is the Guru Hanuman and they are the Shishyas and Shishyaas who are about to enter the Akhara. Is the fastest match-maker in the room, with a world-record time of 4 minutes and 39 seconds. It is another matter that the matches she makes last even lesser! Typically frowns at her husband, the aforementioned species, for dancing badly, borrowing dupattas and generally making an ass of himself in front of everyone.
The Prodigal Son a.k.a. Puttarji - Progeny of Uncleji and Auntieji. Belongs to 15-25 age group (of course) and his life is a mess. He knows it, his parents know it, trouble is they are unwilling to admit it. Of course, they want to improve it, but as I said, they are unwilling to openly admit it. So, when uncleji and auntieji find time from their busy schedule, they will discuss the problems of their son loudly with anyone and everyone within earshot. Depending on the age of the son, the problems change and so does the conversation.
a. 16-17 - Admission in some good college - "Hum to foreign bhejne ki soch rahe hain, yahan to padhai bilkul bekar hai" - Ends up in some seedy college in Guatemala (political science), Checheya (medicine), Guangzhong (medicine again), Nigeria (economics and business management) or best of all Siberia (human rights).
b. 20-22 - Job - "Main to kal hee minister sahab se baat kar ke lagwaa doon, par favour nahin lena chahta. Phir election ke time yehi log bahut dukhi karte hain." "Aap ke bade bhaisahab ka toh apna kaam hai, dekh lein jara, waise mere ladke ko koi kami nahin hai. Aaj business shuru karwa doon import-export ka, lekin soch raha tha thoda experience gain kar le pehle!" Import-export! The guy doesn't know Pakistan from Bangladesh!
c. 23-24 - Job Change - "Waise to teen managers isse report kar rahein hain, lekin yeh chaah raha tha ki office thoda ghar ke paas ho, travelling mein bahut time waste hota hai". It is of course another matter that the boy doesn't know the difference between a quotation and price list!
c. 25 - Marriage - "Aajkal achhi ladkiyan milti kahan hain. Shaadi se pehle 5 boyfriend aur shaadi ke baad 10. Na baba!" "Aap ke pados main to koi ho to mujhe jaroor batana." "Mera ladka laakhon mein ek hai!" Yes, absolutely right, it is difficult to find a more stupid guy in at least one million (dus lakh).
The "Sophisticated" - Generally a group of women, somewhat younger than the Auntieji mentioned above. Typical numbers range from 2-5. You will never find one alone, they always manage to make a group. Love to criticise; the ambience - "such middle class arrangements!"; the host/hostess - "when i give a party, lunch is never late!"; the snacks - "pakore garam nahin hain!", "sauce teekhi nahin hai!"; music - "yeh DJ bilkul bekar hai!"; uncleji - "he is such a boor!"; auntieji - "she is such a showoff!"; other not-so-sophisticated types - "did you see her saree? did u see her purse? how boring!" "behenjee lagti hai, nahin?" etc. Their only saving grace are their perfumes, but most turn this into a negative by bathing in them and managing to leave a stink. Secretly discuss low-fat recipies, latest TV soaps and bargain hunting in Karol Bagh and Lajpat Nagar.
The Downtrodden - The anti-thesis to "The Sophisticated Group". Not well-to-do and therefore feels out of place in the party. Tries to hide behind other people. Looks with wonder at the small joys of like like Air-Conditioning. Hopes no one opens the Shagun envelope in their presence.
The TV/Movie Lover - Can be a man or a woman, depending on your luck, but the widest geographical distribution is of the former. Will corner anyone and discuss all that he has seen, not seen, planning to see, planning not to see, what to avoid, what not to avoid etc. Is least bothered whether the other person is listening or not, has a TV or not, has money to watch movies or not, or is alive or has dropped dead. Provides critical comments and detailed comparison and contrasts between SRK and AB. Rarely do they not add, "I can do it better than them." Trouble erupts when his favourite movie star is not from your mother tounge, like discussing Rajnikanth movies in North Indian parties, since he insists on mouthing all the dialogues from his latest hit, e.g. Baba.
Cricket Lover - Close cousin of the "The TV/Movie Lover". Shares all characteristics with him, but this one is generally equally distributed between boys and men. If he is a boy then you can easily shake him off by sending him on an errand and then vanishing from the scene. If he is a man, then it is difficult to shake him off. You can try your luck by asking him to show the runup of Akram, McGrath, Pathan or any other fast bowler. That ensures that he goes away a considerable distance. You SHOULD seize this opportunity to leave the scene immediately.
Trouble has increased on this front recently. With Sourav's ouster as the captain, he is likely to either vehemently oppose or support the decision. Neutrality is passé and you are in trouble. If you oppose Sourav's ouster you will be immediately branded as a disloyal Indian who doesn't want to win the world cup 2007; and if you perchance support his ouster then you are a disloyal Indian who stabs an old-hand in the back. As someone said "Damned if you do and damned if you don't." Or as we might say in Hindi "Chit main jeeta pat tu haara, aur sikka to hai hee mere baap ka" (Heads I win, tails you lose and in any case the coin belongs to my father.)
Silent and Brooding - Definitely male. Stands in a corner, with a drink in hand. Watches with uninterest everything around. Used to dress in grey, black or other dark colours. Now can be found in these and earthen colors like olive green, mustard etc. Has tried to committ suicide at least once or has definite plans for the same in the next 24 hours. Shakes his head at least once every five minutes and with a disgusted look on his face mutters to himself something like "these people". Bête noires include children, happy people, couples, anyone indulging in any conversation and chirpy girls. Hates parties, but hangs around for the free booze.
Dipsomaniac a.k.a. Bewdaa - The name speaks for itself. Stands really close to the bar. Mostly gets a chair and places it there to remove the hassle of getting up and getting a refill. Knows the barman from previous parties (same or other places) and gets special treatment since he remembers the barman's name. Does not favour any soda or water with his favourite poison; only on the rocks. That way alcohol consumption per minute is higher. Generally an ex-"silent and brooding", but then discovered the joys of drinking. Favours old tastes like VAT69 Rum and Whisky. Does not go for fancy stuff like beer. Occasionally seen to drink Tequilla and Vodka, especially when trying to impress anyone from "The "Sophisticated" Group".
Busy - Almost always a man. Businessman or a bigshot in the corporate sector. Carries a cell-phone, a PDA, a laptop and other assorted gizmos in his various pockets. When enters a room, first looks for the nearest power source to charge his various gadgets, then searches for someone to talk to and something to eat/drink. Has something or the other beeping every nanosecond or so and manages to run his office from the party. If he talks loudly on his cellphone, then he is on his way to becoming "uncleji". If walks out of the room to talk on the phone, then there is still hope! Loves to talk about his latest car, latest girlfriend (whether he is married or not, does not matter), latest takeover, latest promotion and latest everything. Therefore, also known as a bore.
Netaji - Local politician of little or no importance. Highly self-important. Has an entourage of a driver and a hired private security guard, all of which fit in an old beat-up Ambassador/Maruti 800/Omni Van. The guard is hired since the police does not share the threat perception as understood by Netaji and therefore does not provide any police protection to him. The guard looks margilla (weakling) and does not look capable of defending himself against a strong gust of wind, let alone protect Netaji from terrorists. Netaji can be found wearing Khadi, but there is a new trend these days. Silk. In that case, Netaji is rich businessman with political ambitions, has a Honda City, Lancer Accent, or any of the SUVs and talks in the best of the mobiles. In both cases, he is a wannabe but never a guy with true potential.
Yours Truly - Has no job except type out long and purposeless lists of people who can be found at a party.
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. . .and which description is most suitable for you ?
ReplyDeleteah, as you can see, the last one is titled "Yours Truly" - so that's what fits me best!
ReplyDeletehi sir, manish here....luved this one, my fave is "puttarji" n obviously, "yours truly". i could actually associate people i know with most of the types HAHAHHAAAA....and also realised that i have seen the entire "uncleji, auntieji & puttarji" package at their best during "shaadi-byaahs"!! LOL!!
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