Sunday, June 27, 2010

ABC of Bengalis

A is for Awpheesh. This is where the average Kolkakatan goes and spends a day hard at work. And if he works for the 'Vest Bengal Gawrment' he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It's a hard life!

B is for Bhision. For some reason many Bengalis don't have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time.

C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying, 'Na ghumaley Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.'

D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debopriyo, Deboprotim, Debojyoti, etc. thrown in at times.

E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year. 'Ei Morechhey' is a close second to Eeesh.

F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh what feeesh is theesh!'

G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla, etc. While every Bengali girls will have pet names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku, etcetera.

H is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J is for Jhola. No self-respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are two million jholas bobbling around Kolkata, and they all look exactly the same! Note that 'Jhol' as in Maachher Jhol is a close second.

K is for Kee Kaando !. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).

L is for Lungi, the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip in the morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt Everest.

M is for Minibus. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers.

N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!).

P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment. There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.

R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they are to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai and of course 'all non-Bengawlees'! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a close second !

S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer and a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until he is 70 years old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in good form by doing a little bit of 'jawggo' and 'maanot'.

T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.

U is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.

V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves, shout and scream and curse and abuse, "Chherey De Bolchhi" but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

X is for X'mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.

Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali (see R for Robi Thakur).

Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone.

Bhains Chalisa

महामूर्ख दरबार में, लगा अनोखा केस
फसा हुआ है मामला, अक्ल बङी या भैंस
अक्ल बङी या भैंस, दलीलें बहुत सी आयीं
महामूर्ख दरबार की अब,देखो सुनवाई
मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी- भैंस सदा ही अकल पे भारी
भैंस मेरी जब चर आये चारा- पाँच सेर हम दूध निकारा
कोई अकल ना यह कर पावे- चारा खा कर दूध बनावे
अक्ल घास जब चरने जाये- हार जाय नर अति दुख पाये
भैंस का चारा लालू खायो- निज घरवारि सी.एम. बनवायो
तुमहू भैंस का चारा खाओ- बीवी को सी.एम. बनवाओ
मोटी अकल मन्दमति होई- मोटी भैंस दूध अति होई
अकल इश्क़ कर कर के रोये- भैंस का कोई बाँयफ्रेन्ड ना होये
अकल तो ले मोबाइल घूमे- एस.एम.एस. पा पा के झूमे
भैंस मेरी डायरेक्ट पुकारे- कबहूँ मिस्ड काल ना मारे
भैंस कभी सिगरेट ना पीती- भैंस बिना दारू के जीती
भैंस कभी ना पान चबाये - ना ही इसको ड्रग्स सुहाये
शक्तिशालिनी शाकाहारी- भैंस हमारी कितनी प्यारी
अकलमन्द को कोई ना जाने- भैंस को सारा जग पहचाने
जाकी अकल मे गोबर होये- सो इन्सान पटक सर रोये
मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी- भैंस का गोबर अकल पे भारी
भैंस मरे तो बनते जूते- अकल मरे तो पङते जूते
अकल को कोई देख ना पावे- भैंस दरस साक्षात दिखावे
अकल पढाई करन से आवे- भैंस कभी स्कूल ना जावे
भैंस के डाक्टर मौज उङावैं- अकल के डाक्टर काम ना पावैं
अकलमन्द जग से डरै,भैंस मस्त पगुराय
भैंस चलाये सींग तो, अकलमन्द भग जाय
मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी- भैंस कभी ना बकती गारी
भैंस कभी अतंक ना करती- भैंस मेरी भगवान से डरती
तासौं भैंस सदा मुसकावै- अकल लङे ओर अति दुख पावै
अकल तो एटम बम्ब बनाये- झटके मे संसार उङाये
भैंस दूध दे हमको पाले- बिना दूध हों चाय के लाले
अकल विभाजन देश का कीन्ही- पाक बांग्लादेश ये दीन्ही
भैंस अभी तक फर्क ना जाने- एक रूप में सबको माने
हिन्दू मुस्लिम सिक्ख ईसाई- भैंस सभी को दूध पिलायी
भैंस न कोइ इलैक्शन चाहे- भैंस ना कोइ सेलेक्शन चाहे
इसकी नज़र मे एक हैं सारे- मोटे पतले गोरे कारे
भेदभाव नहिं भैंस को भाया- भैंस मे ही जनतन्त्र समाया
भैंस ना कोई करै हवाला- भैंस करै ना कोइ घोटाला
पासपोर्ट ना वीजा पाती- जब चाहे विदेश हो आती
फिर भी स्मगलिंग ना करती- भैंस मेरी कानून से डरती
ता सौं भैंस हमें है प्यारी- मंगल भवन अमंगल हारी
अकल बेअकल जो मरै, अन्त सवारी भैंस
भैंस बङी है अकल से, फईनल हो गया केस !!

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

On Books

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
-Flannery O'Connor

The covers of this book are too far apart. -Ambrose Bierce quotes

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it. -Groucho Marx

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. -Hadas

Never lend books, for no one ever returns them. The only books I have in my library are books that other folks have leant me. -Anatole France

Someday I hope to write a book where the royalties will pay for the copies I give away. -Clarence Darrow

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book. -Kin Hubbard

Never judge a book by its movie. -J.W. Eagan

This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book -- it makes a very poor doorstop. -Alfred Hitchcock

There are two motives for reading a book: one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it. -Bertrand Russell

Every night, I have to read a book, so that my mind will stop thinking about things that I stress about. -Britney Spears

Americans like fat books and thin women. -Russell Baker

If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.
-Raymond Chandler

It had been startling and disappointing to me to find out that story books had been written by people, that books were not natural wonders, coming of themselves like grass. -Eudora Welty

For though he'd very little Latin beyond 'Cave canem,' he had, as a young dog, devoured Shakespeare (in a tasty leather binding). -Dodie Smith

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -Dorothy Parker

One always tends to overpraise a long book because one has got through it.
-E. M. Forster

I hate books; they only teach us to talk about things we know nothing about.
-Jean-Jacques Rousseau

My sole literary ambition is to write one good novel, then retire to my hut in the desert, assume the lotus position, compose my mind and senses, and sink into meditation, contemplating my novel. -Edward Abbey