Tuesday, December 15, 2009

A brief history(??) of India

A BRIEF BUT Complete History of India : As written by a Std X schoolboy, with all the original spellings. Please pay special attention to the spellings and the "derived" nomenclature. If you don't know all this -- you are history!!!

The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Darao. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them.

Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.

In olden times there were two big families in India . One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as Mera Bharat Mahan.

In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis.

The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However, after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi , so they are calling it Door Darshan.

After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.

Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period. They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted toproduce his own salt. This was called the swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.

In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootaoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis.

Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian Parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand.

So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in Parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag.

Recently in India , there have been a large number of scams and a plaque. it can be dangerous because many people died of plaque in Surat . Scams are all over India . One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland. In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.

Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left, right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself. India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009


Credulity is belief in slight evidence, with no evidence, or against evidence.
- Tryon Edwards

The credulity of dupes is as inexhaustible as the invention of knaves."
- Edmund Burke

Did you hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
- Anonymous

There is no sin except stupidity.
- Oscar Wilde

Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Om Prakash Aditya

I am a great fan of Om Prakash Aditya. He was a great hindi poet and satirist. A master of laughter in the pre-cable days, he commanded great admiration at DD on the regularly broadcast "Hasya Kavi Sammelan".

Remembering him I got to know that he passed away some six months ago in an accident! May God rest his soul in peace.

Some lines from a poem of his...it is the lamentation of a student about the vast course syllabus.

नास हो इतिहास का, सन के समंदर बह गए,
मर गए वो लोग, रोने के लिए हम रह गए,
बाबर, हुमायूँ, शाहजहाँ, और अकबर आप था,
कौन न जाने किसका बेटा, कौन किसका बाप था!

ज़िन्दगी भर लिख न पाया मैं चेकोस्लोवाकिया

अंक के  अतिरिक्त  मुझको  और  कुछ  भाता  नहीं,
क्या  करूँ लेकिन  गुणा करना  मुझे  आता  नहीं,
अकल अल-जब्रा  हमारी  जाएगी  जड़  से  पचा,
तीन  मैं  से  छह गए  और  क्या  बाकी  बचा?

भुगूल  में  गत  वर्ष  आया  गोल  है  कैसे  धरा,
और  मैंने  एक  पल  मैं  लिख  दिया  उत्तर  खरा,
गोल  है  पूरी  कचोरी, और पापड़  गोल  है, 
गोल  है  लड्डू, जलेबी, रसगुल्ला भी  गोल  है,
गोलगप्पा  गोल  है  मुंह  भी  हमारा  गोल  है  
इस  लिए  हे मास्टरजी  यह  धरा  भी  गोल  है.

Childhood fantasies

Some things never die. When we were young, there used to be this popular belief amongst us kids that one could make an eraser from pencil shavings. My brother and I were serious subscribers to this strange alchemy experiment. Once our mother got us a new box of pencils (yipee!) and we dutifully sharpened it away  completely to gather the wooden shavings. The scolding was unbelievable!

I had forgotten all about my belief in this Indian Alchemy till recently. My brother has told me that his son and daughter are the latest proponents of this idea. When the son was quizzed (he is elder) as to where did he get to learn such nonsense, he replied, "मेरे दोस्त ने स्कूल में बताया था!"

I think this is a kind of rumour that gets handed down from one generation to the next! If you have any rumours of your to share, please do comment.

Chappal Saathi

Sometimes, we use a thing due to habit, it becomes second nature. We are dependent on it for our comfort. If we are away from it, a strange emptiness nags at the back of the mind. It is difficult to wean oneself away from such habits.

Happened with me in the case of a pair of slippers. I purchased this leather pair from a shop near my home. It was super comfy and I was hooked. Alas it did not last forever and was in tatters some 2 years later (What else do you expect from footwear that I would have worn to bed, had not my wife given me that look). I went to the same shop for another pair but he told me that it was not available any longer! I refused to part with my old pair and continued to wear it, despite my wife's remonstrations and threats.

I was in a mall one day and saw someone else wearing the same pair. My heart jumped for secret joy! Gathering courage, I went up to the chap and asked him very sheepishly about where he got that pair. The chap gave me the biggest of the smiles and mentioned the same shop I had purchased them from. When I recounted my failed mission to purchase another pair from that shop, he responded, "यार बात तो है इस चप्पल में...मैं भी ढूंढ रहा हूँ! मिले तो बताना!" When I told my wife about my "Encounter with the Stranger in the Mall", she burst out laughing and said, "वो आपका चप्पल साथी हुआ!"

I am still searching. I found a comparable pair and was compelled to throw my old pair, but alas, the new ones don't match it so far.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sajan Re Jhooth Mat Bolo

The simple lyrics, the deeply meaningful words, the gentle sway of the folk music and the amazing cinematography of this song make it one of my favourites!

Monday, November 02, 2009


Oh when I sneeze
I want the world to know
And in Facebook I’ve found
The means make it so

When I scratch my face
My friends must be informed
Privacy has lost the war
Another bastion stormed

When I wipe my butt
And the paper is 2-ply
Everyone must learn
What, when and why

When the weather is sunny
The word must go out
And when it is cloudy
My Facebook must shout

When the kids are naughty
I must share my woe
And when they are nice
The world must surely know

My life’s an open (Face)book
Though nothing’s worth a read
But everyone knows my moods
Everyone knows my needs

And of course, I can ‘like’
And I can ‘nudge’ and ‘poke’
It gives me a definite high
Much higher than coke

I am constantly in touch
With people far and wide
All hear every word
All hear every aside

So, keep on writing, folk
I need my fix for sure
I am now picking my nose
Thought you'd like to know
– Kishore Asthana

Saturday, October 31, 2009

How to catch a Lion

Newton 's Method:
Let, the lion catch you..
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.

Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.

Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.

Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion .

Rajnikanth Method :
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.

Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping !

Manirathnam Method:
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.

Karan Johar Method:
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... Ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!

Yash Chopra method:
Take the lion to Australia or US.. And kill it in a good scenic location.

Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days. The Lion will drop dead just watching!

Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.

George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!

Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders

More quotations

An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
~John Junor~

An undefined problem has an infinite number of solutions.
~Robert A. Humphrey~

Annual income twenty pounds,
annual expenditure nineteen point six,
result happiness.
~Charles Dickens (1812-1870)~

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain and most fools do.
~Dale Carnegie~

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.
~Rose Franken~

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
~Proverbs 23:7~

Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
~Bob Inglis~

Attempt the impossible in order to improve your work.
~Bette Davis~

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words:
" I do not know."
~Andre Maurois~

Constant dripping hollows out a stone.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is.
~Thomas Szasz~

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
~Kin Hubbard~

Books, like friends, should be few and well chosen.
~Samuel Paterson~

Count your blessings, they are more than you think, and more than you are told.

Why do we shout when we are angry!

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
The disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Geometry can be tough!

The toughness will make you want to play this game again and again! My best is 3.2.

Kya tere baap kaa road hai?

An apocryphal story involving Russi Mody. (Ex MD Tata Steel, Jamshedpur)

I would like to believe that the following story actually happened. It is so typically Russi. It is said that once Russi Mody was on an official trip to (the then) Bombay. Even though it was a Sunday morning, Russi had to visit Bombay House, the Corporate Head Quarters of the Tata Group. Russi was driving a Mercedes himself as it was a Sunday and there was very little traffic and also it was the chauffeur's day off. Russi was wearing simple shorts and a T shirt.
Knowing that he would take just a few minutes to finish his work in Bombay House and that it was a non-working day in the business district with very low traffic, he decided to take liberties to park his Merc in an other-wise no parking zone. A conscientious traffic cop noticed all this and he immediately rushed to Russi who had started sauntering towards the Bombay House entrance.
In a gruff voice the Pandu Havaldar asked Russi. "Kyun bhidu, baap kaa sadak samajh kay rakha hai kya?"
Russi very non-chalantly replied: "Haan kuchh aisa hi hai. Aapko English padhna aata hai kya?"
Then he gently held the Pandu's arm and walked him to the kerbside and pointed to the metal signage of the road. He asked the cop "Kya Likha Hai?"
The cop said "Sir Homi Mody Street".
 A mischievously smiling Russi discloses"Woh Mera Baap Tha".
Russi was allowed to leave his car parked in the "No Parking" Zone that Sunday morning.

Three Parables to make you Think

The Turtles
A turtle family decided to go on a picnic. The turtles, being naturally slow about things, took seven years to prepare for their outing. Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found a place ideal for them at last!
For about six months they cleaned the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home. Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell. He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned. The family consented and the little turtle left.
Three years passed and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years... then on the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger. He announced that he was going to eat and begun to unwrap a sandwich. At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behind a tree shouting, 'See! I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt.'
[Some of us waste our time waiting for people to live up to our expectations. We are so concerned about what others are doing that we do not do anything ourselves.]

The Frogs
A farmer came into town and asked the owner of a restaurant if he could use a million frog legs. The restaurant owner was shocked and asked the man where he could get so many frog legs! The farmer replied, 'There is a pond near my house that is full of frogs - millions of them. They all croak all night long and they are about to make me crazy!' So the restaurant owner and the farmer made an agreement that the farmer would deliver frogs to the restaurant, five hundred at a time for the next several weeks.
The first week, the farmer returned to the restaurant looking rather sheepish, with two scrawny little frogs. The restaurant owner said, 'Well... where are all the frogs?' The farmer said, 'I was mistaken. There were only these two frogs in the pond. But they sure were making a lot of noise!'
[Next time you hear somebody criticizing or making fun of you, remember, it's probably just a couple of noisy frogs. Also remember that problems always seem bigger in the dark. Have you ever laid in your bed at night worrying about things which seem almost overwhelming like a million frogs croaking? Chances are pretty good that when the morning comes, and you take a closer look, you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.]

The Pretty Lady
Once upon a time a big monk and a little monk were traveling together. They came to the bank of a river and found the bridge was damaged. They had to wade across the river. There was a pretty lady who was stuck at the damaged bridge and couldn't cross the river.
The big monk offered to carry her across the river on his back. The lady accepted. The little monk was shocked by the move of the big monk. 'How can big brother carry a lady when we are supposed to avoid all intimacy with females?' thought the little monk. But he kept quiet... The big monk carried the lady across the river and the small monk followed unhappily. When they crossed the river, the big monk let the lady down and they parted ways with her. All along the way for several miles, the little monk was very unhappy with the act of the big monk. He was making up all kinds of accusations about big monk in his head. This got him madder and madder. But he still kept quiet. And the big monk had no inclination to explain his situation.
Finally, at a rest point many hours later, the little monk could not stand it any further, he burst out angrily at the big monk. 'How can you claim yourself a devout monk, when you seize the first opportunity to touch a female, especially when she is very pretty? All your teachings to me make you a big hypocrite The big monk looked surprised and said, 'I had put down the pretty lady at the river bank many hours ago, how come you are still carrying her along?'
[This very old Chinese Zen story reflects the thinking of many people today. We encounter many unpleasant things in our life, they irritate us and they make us angry. Sometimes, they cause us a lot of hurt, sometimes they cause us to be bitter or jealous .. But like the little monk, we are not willing to let them go away.We keep on carrying the baggage of the 'pretty lady' with us. We let them keep on coming back to hurt us, make us angry, make us bitter and cause us a lot of agony. Why? Simply because we are not willing to put down or let go of the baggage of the 'pretty lady'. We should let go of the pretty lady immediately after crossing the river. This will immediately remove all our agonies. There is no need to be further hurt by the unpleasant event after it is over.]

Friday, October 30, 2009

Johnny Johnny Reloaded

Johny Johny
Yes Papa

Pvt Company
Yes Papa

Any Motivation
No Papa

Many Tension
Yes Papa

Do u Sleep well
No Papa

Boss Ki Galiyan
Yes Papa

Ha ha ha :)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Friendship is not about “I m sorry “ its about “abbe teri galti hai “
Friendship is not about “I m there for u” or “I missed u “ it’s about “kahan marr gaya saale “
Friendship is not about “I understand “ its about “sab teri wajah se hua manhus“
Friendship is not about “I care for u “ its about “kamino tumhe chhod ke kahan jaunga “
Friendship is not about “I m happy for ur success “its about “chal party de saale“
Friendship is not about “I love that girl“ its about “saalo izzat se dekho tumhari bhabhi hain “
Friendship is not about “R u coming for outing tomorrow “its about “ nautanki nahi, hum kal bahar ja rahe hai “
Friendship is not about “Get well soon “its about “ Itna piyega toh yehi hoga“
Friendship is not about “All the best for ur career“ it’s about “ bahut hua, abhi toh switch mar saale“

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Chauteau di Khachchar ki Laat

Just for kicks
Jug Suraiya
My friend Reva – editor and publisher of Sommelier India, the country’s first and, so far only, wine magazine – is puzzled. So, presumably, is Sharad Pawar who, according to popular report, owns acres and acres of grape-producing vineyards in the Nashik region. And so would have been Thomas Jefferson, who remarked that no people who drank wine and beer in preference to hard liquor would ever find themselves in dire need of applying en masse for membership to Alcoholics Anonymous. All these very different people are – or in Jefferson’s case, were – advocates of the civilised practice of enjoying the occasional glass of wine. To them, and many others like them, wine does not represent the demon drink. Far from it. Wine is a lyric in liquid form, music turned into moisture, a rhapsody played on the palate. So, how come, they ask, don’t more Indians drink wine? Dry days, punitive excise duties and economic downturns notwithstanding, the sales of whisky, rum, vodka, gin and brandy show no signs of decline. On the contrary, they get higher and higher, as presumably do the customers of these products. But, by and large, wine remains a no-no among India’s drinking glasses.
And the reason for this is simple: the idiom of wine is all wrong. When asked to ‘nose’ a wine you aren’t meant to snort the stuff up your nostril, like snuff, but rather to inhale its ‘bouquet’, or the smell it gives off. Or when your host urges you admire the ‘legs’, don’t gawp around looking for the young female in the micro-mini; the ‘legs’ are the streaks of wine which adhere to the side of the glass when you tilt it. A wine said to have an ‘excellent finish’ is not an invitation to grab the bottle by the neck and swig it down till empty in record time; ‘finish’ denotes the lingering aftertaste that the wine leaves in your mouth. ‘Well-structured tannins’ don’t refer to generously endowed bikini-clad sunbathers bronzing themselves on a beach but to the acidic elements, which add complexity to the wine. And no, a ‘complex vintage’ is not a senior citizen in need of psychiatric care but a wine which has matured and gained subtle nuances of taste with age.
In short, wine talks too much. Or rather, people talk too much about it. This was brought home to me succinctly some years ago at a Haryana liquor vend when i was buying a bottle of Bosca (which in Haryanvi is pronounced ‘Bose-ka’). In those days Bose-ka was the only Indian wine available, and which, as a wine, made for an admirable varnish remover. A fellow customer buying an Auntie Kooty (not a female relative but a brand of local whisky, namely Antiquity, the second most preferred drink in Haryana after Arkoolis rum, known to the outside world as Hercules rum) looked at my bottle of Bose-ka and asked ‘Usme kick-shick hai?’ (Does it have kick-shick?)
In a single sentence that unsung Haryanvi had summed up the fatal flaw in the wine marketing strategy in India: never mind your noses, and legs, and fruity bouquets and rare vintages. Where was the kick-shick quotient? If Reva, and Sharadji, and others, are serious about popularising wine culture in India, they have to address the issue of the kick-shick, which is the main – some would say the only – reason why people drink in India, or at least in Haryana, where men are men, and don’t care who knows it. Tanninsshannins. Show us the kick-shick.
To be a success, in Haryana anyway, wines should be rated by the kick they provide. A mild, low-kick wine should be given a ‘One Mule’ rating, a stronger wine be given a ‘Two Mule’ grade, and a real pehalwan super-strong wine be accorded a ‘Three Mule’ status. And an appropriate name for them? What else but Chauteau di Khachchar ki Laat?

Monday, August 24, 2009

Brussles Sprouts and Neanderthals

If you think cabbages, brussels sprouts or other such vegetables taste bitter, then you could be the descendant of a Neanderthal! Check out here.

The hat-seller and the monkeys (Ver 2.0)

It's an old story that we have read in Class 3 but this one is with a new ending.

A hat-seller who was passing by a forest decided to take a nap under one of the trees, so he left his whole basket of hats by the side. A few hours later, he woke up and realized that all his hats were gone. He looked up and to his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.

The hat seller sat down and thought of how he could get the hats back. While thinking he started to scratch his head. The next moment, the monkeys were doing the same. Next, he took down his own hat, the monkeys did exactly the same. An idea came to his mind. He took his own hat and threw it on the floor and the monkeys did that too. So he finally managed to get all his hats back.

Fifty years later, his grandson, Sukhwinder, also became a hat-seller. He had heard this monkey story from his grandfather. One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest. It was very hot, and he took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor.

He woke up and realized that all his hats were taken by the monkeys on the tree. He remembered his grandfather' s words, started scratching his head and the monkeys followed. He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now, very convinced of his grandfather' s idea, Sukhwinder threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise, the monkeys still held on to all the hats.

Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor, gave him a slap and said, "You think only you have a grandfather !!!???"

Saturday, August 22, 2009


If something could force me out of my blogging slumber, it had to be something that was nauseating or exhilirating. I am glad it is the latter.

Watched Kaminey recently. Wow. That sums up my reaction. I have this habit of checking reviews of movies after I have watched them so that I know which reviewers to trust next time. All the reviewers have given good ratings which are justified. Even Raja Sen of Rediff, a reviewer so hopelessly out of league of Bollywood cinema, has given it high ratings.

Intelligent cinema was one word that was common to the five reviews I read. I agree. In fact I witnessed several "non-intelligent" people watching the movie with utter confusion since they could not make out what was happening in many parts. I was actually enjoying their discomfort as they squirmed and shifted uneasily in their seats! Shame on me.

The dialogue in Marathi, Bangla (don't say Bangali or Bengali; that is a misspelling!!), Portugese, Hindi, English, Hinglish and Bambaiya Hindi was kinda hard to follow, even for me. But it was real and natural. I am sure gangsters who travel to India, don't start conversing in Hindi suddenly, for the benefit of Indians ;)

I enjoyed dhan te nan immensely. This is a sure shot evergreen hit. A regular at all dance parties! Disappointed that other songs don't match up!

The ending was along expected lines of Hindi cinema. After all, as SRK says in OSO, "Jab tak hamari picture mein sab kuch theek nahin ho jaata, picture khatam nahin hotee. Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost." I wish Vishal Bhardwaj had the guts to show a different ending. A dying hero adds glamour to the movie, a la AB in Sholay!

Shahid Kapoor is really convincing in his role as Guddu and Charlie!

I am a confirmed fan of VB now. I personally think Omkara had better overall impact. I will give omkara 4.5 out of 5. Kaminey gets 4 out of 5.

Look at the web looking at you!

You see the web regularly. Ever wondered about how does the web see you? Have a look at how you are perceived by the web at this interesting website.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Outwit the cat

A nice game I recently stumbled upon. Quite addictive. I could not get it the first three times. I got it the fourth time but then not the next 10 odd times. Now I can get it about 75% of the times I play. But what's the game? Ahh! Here it is.

And if you can't outwit it at all or do so accidentally, drop me a line. I will expose "the method" to trap the cat ;)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Google Books - New Features

How does one use a book in the real world? Shouldn't that be the benchmark of how one should be able to use an ebook?
Google attempts that...more details here.

Weary India Lost It!

Wow - What an analysis, that too on 31st May!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Reuse and recycle

A very nice thought on recycling!

Bubbles and Lent

Each Friday night after work, Bubbal Singh would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of Bubbal's neighbors were strict Catholics ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Bubbal, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubbal attended Mass... And as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, ''You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic."

Bubbal's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubbal's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubbal, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato."

Monday, June 01, 2009

Be loyal to job, not to company!

Interesting.....Don't miss last Questions...

Some, rather most organizations reject his CV today because he has changed jobs frequently (10 in 14 years). My friend, the 'job hopper' (referred here as Mr. JH), does not mind it.. well he does not need to mind it at all. Having worked full-time with 10 employer companies in just 14 years gives Mr. JH the relaxing edge that most of the 'company loyal' employees are struggling for today. Today, Mr. JH too is laid off like some other 14-15 year experienced guys - the difference being the latter have just worked in 2-3 organizations in the same number of years. Here are the excerpts of an interview with Mr. JH:

Q: Why have you changed 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: To get financially sound and stable before getting laid off the second time.

Q: So you knew you would be laid off in the year 2009?
A: Well I was laid off first in the year 2002 due to the first global economic slowdown. I had not got a full-time job before January 2003 when the economy started looking up; so I had struggled for almost a year without job and with compromises.

Q: Which number of job was that?
A: That was my third job.

Q: So from Jan 2003 to Jan 2009, in 6 years, you have changed 8 jobs to make
the count as 10 jobs in 14 years?
A: I had no other option. In my first 8 years of professional life, I had worked only for 2 organizations thinking that jobs are deserved after lot of hard work and one should stay with an employer company to justify the saying 'employer loyalty'. But I was an idiot.

Q: Why do you say so?
A: My salary in the first 8 years went up only marginally. I could not save enough and also, I had thought that I had a 'permanent' job, so I need not worry about 'what will I do if I lose my job'. I could never imagine losing a job because of economic slowdown and not because of my performance. That was January 2002.

Q: Can you brief on what happened between January 2003 and 2009.
A: Well, I had learnt my lessons of being 'company loyal' and not 'money earning and saving loyal'. But then you can save enough only when you earn enough. So I shifted my loyalty towards money making and saving - I changed 8 jobs in 6 years assuring all my interviewers about my stability.

Q: So you lied to your interviewers; you had already planned to change the job for which you were being interviewed on a particular day?
A: Yes, you can change jobs only when the market is up and companies are hiring. You tell me - can I get a job now because of the slowdown? No. So one should change jobs for higher salaries only when the market is up because that is the only time when companies hire and can afford the
expected salaries.

Q: What have you gained by doing such things?
A: That's the question I was waiting for. In Jan 2003, I had a fixed salary (without variables) of say Rs. X p.a. In January 2009, my salary was 8X. So assuming my salary was Rs.3 lakh p.a. in Jan 2003, my last drawn salary in Jan 2009 was Rs.24 lakh p.a. (without variable). I never bothered about variable as I had no intention to stay for 1 year and go through the appraisal process to wait for the company to give me a hike.

Q: So you decided on your own hike?
A: Yes, in 2003, I could see the slowdown coming again in future like it had happened in 2001-02. Though I was not sure by when the next slowdown would come, I was pretty sure I wanted a 'debt-free' life before being laid off again. So I planned my hike targets on a yearly basi without waiting for the year to complete.

Q: So are you debt-free now?
A: Yes, I earned so much by virtue of job changes for money and spent so little that today I have a loan free 2 BR flat (1200 sq. feet) plus a loan free big car without bothering about any EMIs. I am laid off too but I do not complain at all. If I have laid off companies for money, it is OK if a
company lays me off because of lack of money.

Q: Who is complaining?
A: All those guys who are not getting a job to pay their EMIs off are complaining. They had made fun of me saying I am a job hopper and do not have any company loyalty. Now I ask them what they gained by their company loyalty; they too are laid off like me and pass comments to me - why will you bother about us, you are already debt-free. They were still in the bracket of 12-14 lakh p.a. when they were laid off.

Q: What is your advice to professionals?
A: Like Narayan Murthy had said - love your job and not your company because you never know when your company will stop loving you. In the same lines, love yourself and your family needs more than the company's needs. Companies can keep coming and going; family will always remain the same. Make money for yourself first and simultaneously make money for the company, not the other way around.

Q: What is your biggest pain point with companies?
A: When a company does well, its CEO etc will address the entire company saying, 'well done guys, it is YOUR company, keep up the hard work, I am with you." But when the slowdown happens and the company does not do so well, the same CEO Etc will say, "It is MY company and to save the company, I have to take tough decisions including asking people to go." So think about your financial stability first; when you get laid off, your kids will complain to you and not your boss.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Bambai vs. Dilli

Ten reasons why South Mumbai did not vote

10. Clashed with Salsa class
9. Election whites not drycleaned
8. No candidate a hottie
7. Tony Jethmalani contesting from suburbs. Sigh
6. No valet parking at booth
5. Spotted servant in queue ahead of us
4. Driver did not come
3. "Elections over dude, Obama won!"
2. No party tackling real issues, eg, reduce Gold Gym rates
1. No home delivery!

Why Delhi turned up to vote

1. They loved the Tata Tea ad
2. They saw the Chopras go out, and thought they must overtake the Lancer from left
3. Bunty's girlfriend wanted it when they were going out for some Chinese
4. Diwan Saheb on second floor persuaded them. He is jaaaint sectry in DPCC
5. Without stable government, real estate will not revive
6. Election Commission directly asked Pappu. So nice of them!
7. Grandfather started talking on Partition, and they had to run
8. Auntyji hoped some TV crew will come and take a soundbite
9. Baba Ramdev said it is good for health

And finally
10. They had to beat the Bambaiyaas. Izzat ka sawaal hai, hainji?

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Bill Gates & Kantibhai

BILL GATES organizes an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. 5000 candidates assemble in a large room. One of the candidates is Kantibhai Shah.

Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I'll give it a try'

Bill Gates: Candidates who never have had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2000 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself 'I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?' So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave. 500 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, 'I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?' So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates askes the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room. Kantibhai says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but what do I have to lose?' So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate.

Everyone else has left.

Bill Gates joins them and says 'Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo - Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'

Calmly, Kantibhai turns to the other candidate and says...... 'kem chho?'

The other candidate answers ........ 'ek dam majama.'

Monday, May 04, 2009

MBAs - A fresh perspective!

A favourite one of mine:

MBA मरते नहीं, जिंदा दफनाये जाते हैं,
हर तीन महीने में तड़पाए जाते हैं,
कब्र खोल कर देखो तो,
कब्र में भी presentation देते हुए पाए जाते हैं !

Monday, April 13, 2009


One from Mandeep, a student of mine:

नहीं पूछता कोई सवाल कभी ये ही तो परेशानी है,
दिल में ही रह जाती है जो चाहतें हमेशा सुनानी हैं
बाहर से ज़िन्दगी नज़र आये चाहे कितनी भी हसीं
अन्दर झांक के देखो तो हर चेहरे की इक कहानी है

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Essay on cow

You'll forget your English by the time you finish reading this. This is an essay supposedly written by a Bihari candidate at the UPSC (IAS) Examinations. Enjoy!

Indian Cow
HE IS THE COW. "The cow is a successful animal. Also he is 4 footed, And because he is female, he give milks, [ but will do so when he is got child.] He is same like-God, sacred to Hindus and useful to man. But he has got four legs together. Two are forward and two are afterwards. His whole body can be utilised for use. More so the milk. Milk comes from 4 taps attached to his basement. [ horses dont have any such attachment]

What can it do? Various ghee, butter, cream, curd, why and the condensed milk and so forth. Also he is useful to cobbler, watermans and mankind generally. His motion is slow only because he is of lazy species, Also his other motion.. gober] is much useful to trees, plants as well as for making flat cakes[like Pizza] , in hand and drying in the sun.

Cow is the only animal that extricates his feeding after eating. Then afterwards she chew with his teeth whom are situated in the inside of the mouth. He is incessantly in the meadows in the grass. His only attacking and defending organ is the horns, specially so when he is got child. This is done by bowing his head whereby he causes the weapons to be paralleled to the ground of the earth and instantly proceed with great velocity forwards. He has got tails also, situated in the backyard, but not like similar animals. It has hairs on the other end of the other side. This is done to frighten away the flies which alight on his cohesive body hereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms of his feet are soft unto the touch. So the grasses head is not crushed. At night time have poses by looking down on the ground and he shouts . His eyes and nose are like his other relatives. This is the cow.

We are informed that the candidate passed the exam, and is now an IAS, is bihar in somewhere..[sorry somewhere in Bihar]

Saturday, March 28, 2009

On pessimism

  • There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist."
    -- Mark Twain

  • Pessimist: one who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both."
    -- Oscar Wilde

  • Remember, whenever one door closes, another slams in your face.


  • The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
    -- Mark Twain
  • The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
    -- John Maynard Keynes

  • Smile and the world audits your taxes.

  • The only certainities in this world are death and taxes.
    --Benjamin Franklin

  • Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.
    --Robert Heinlein

Recession predicted in 2006!

It's not often that we get the chance to see quite as clearly as we do in this video how pundits and experts can be completely and totally wrong. But if the people ridiculing and condescending to Peter Schiff in this video are deceiving themselves, how sure can we be that our most cherished convictions are correct?
This video is from 2006 !

College Days

1. On being Late:

"Kab shuru hui class?"

"Attendance ho gayi kya??"

"Kal raat der tak gappe marte rahe yaar"

"Aab nind nahi khuli to mein kya karu......... bolna ....... kal kya padaya tha isne"

"Ek page de na.......... abey pen bhi to de, nahi to kisse likhunga......."

" koi subah kaise aa sakta hai........"

"wo bhi iss class ke liye "

2. During the lecture:

"Yesss!!!! Sirrr.......The answer is


"No sir.....I know the answer ......sir...."

"Saala apne aapko Newton samajta hai"

"Abe lecture ko maar goli..... Anjali kya lag rahi hai aaj........"

"Uski tshirt pe kya likha hai dekh"

"Uske bagal mein nahi baith sakta tha kya.......gadha......."

"Kya bore kar raha hai. Bola tha canteen chalte hain .."

"Heads, we go canteen , Tails, we go now!!!"

3. Lab:

"Expt. 2 likha??"

"last time tu aaya the kya?""

"Karna kya hai??"

"Yeh bhai.....merko pata hota to tere pass kyon aata........"

"Areee tu to bura maan gaya .......chal dikha na.....bhau kyo kata hai...."

4. Sessionals Test:

"sessionals test???? ......Aree yaar...... "

"Kya....... abe unit test mein itna sara topic hai to final mein kya hoga...."

"Oye Sushil kaha hai......uska roll number mere baad hai.......wo nahi aaya to mein pakka fail...."

After test......

"yaar pada tha....recall nahi kar paya.......chhod na ....... Canteen chalega..." SAHI !!

5. For attendance

"I was in the class, attendence bolna bhool gaya "

"Oye usko thoda khush kar list se tera naam hata dega........"

"Bola tha proxy regularly maar........ Saale tera class karne ka kya faida hua....."

6. Late submission of assignments:

" Maine us ko bola thaa ki copy karke mera assgnment bhi saath mein submit kar dena"

"Ab mein kya karu usne mereko bole bina hi submit kar diya........"

"They should allow XEROX........sala system hi kharab hai "

7 . After exam:

"Yeh bhi syllabus mein thaa kya? Shitt..."

"kya bol raha hai yaar..aise karna tha kya"

"1st mein 3 marks.....2nd mein 0.......3rd mein 2....... Gaya..........fail pakka......."

"Yaar notice lagte hi hata dena........wo kya soochegi mera marks dekh kar......"

8 . VIVA (b4 exam):

"Submission ab tak hua nahi hai , VIVA kya ghanta doonga"

"Aeee.......Akash.....terese kya kya poocha....mood kaisa hai.."

"External ke ghar mein bacche nahi hai kya......."

"Dekh Boss!! external bhi aadmi hai. Usko pata hai students ki ab tak preparation nahi hui hai"

9 . Submission:

"Ye bhi chhapna hai kya?"

"kaat kaat ke likh le...kaon padhta hai"

"Iska bhi print-out lena hai kya?"

"Jai ho computer baba ki......jai ho Ctrl C - Ctrl V ki......."

"Tujhe Sir ka sign aata hai kya?"

10 .Copying Assignments:

"Ye tune kya likha hai????"

(The best one)

"Jo word samajh mein aa raha hai woh likh, jo nahi samajh mein aa raha hai uska drawing nikal"

"Phir bhi, kuch to idea hoga??"

" Maine uska likha hai, mera assignment check ho gaya, tu bhi wohi kar."

"Koi hint........"

"Are baba ghaseet de........na tu samjega na wo........"

11. Exam:

"Jo (mujhe) aata hai, woh (paper mein)aata nahi hai; jo nahi aata hai woh NAHI aata hai" ..VERY VERY TRUE !!

"ye question 2 saal se nahi poochha hai yaar....to ab kya poochenge"

"ye last time hi poochha thaa......is baar nahi aana chahiye"

"tere paas is ke notes hai??"

"Neend aa rahi mujhe to...thodi der so jata hoo..utha diyo pakka"

"woh chapter... mark weightage 6 marks... (facial ex-pressions speaks the story)"

"nahi samjha to rat le" - PERFECT ONE

"Iss paper mein roll number ke kya order hai........"

"Ek aur din ka gap de dete to kya 3rd World War ho jata tha kya........."
I AGREE !! !!

This one is dedicated to all my friends:

"bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai

Aaj har wo din jeene ko man karta hai.

kuch buri batein jo ab acchi lagti hain

kuch batein jo kal ki hi batein lagti hain.

abki baar class attend karne ka man karta hai

Dopahar ki class mein aakhein band karne ko man karta hai.

Doston ke room ki wo baatein yaad aati hai

exam ke time pe wo hasi mazak yaad aati hai,

college ke paas Jaggi ka dhabe ki yaad aati hai

tab ki bekar lagne wali photos chehre pe hasi laati hai.

Apni galtiyon pe tumse daat khana yaad aata hai.

Par tumhari galti dekhne ka ab bhi mann karta hai.

Ek aisi subah uthne ka mann karta hai

bas ek bar wapas lautne ka man karta hai.

bas ek bar aur

wapas lautne ka man karta hai."

Are you a workaholic?

Easy ways to spot the workaholics lurking among us

Are you a workaholic? Many lurk among us. They secretly enjoy business trips. They stay late in the office even when they don't have to. They LIKE Monday mornings. I discovered one in my own family when I asked my brother-in-law how his family camping holiday went, and he said: "interminable." (They hate holidays.)

I was shocked to learn from a scientific publication (a women's magazine) that you can find out whether you are a workaholic by counting how many days of holiday you lose because you have not taken them, but your employer won't let you carry them over.

One to three is troubling. Four to six shows you have a problem with work-life balance. Seven to nine makes you a serious work addict. Ten or more can be used in divorce proceedings. (I lost eight days' holiday on my last contract, which puts me in the "serious work addict" category).

But I'm not the worst. I know at least three individuals who live only for their jobs. What gives them away is their terminology. Here are 14 signs that you are a workaholic.

1. Your spouse gives you a dark look and says: "We need to talk." You reply: "I'll schedule a performance appraisal session at the earliest opportunity" - and then arrange a business trip that takes you away for two weeks.

2. You refer to your child's pocket money as "the weekly cash injection."

3. Your spouse complains that you are deeply in debt to the bar near your office, and you reply: "I'm not in debt, just highly leveraged in the beverage sector."

4. You refer to your grandfather's death as "a family downsizing."

5. Your spouse complains that you do not take enough interest in the children, and you say: "Okay, fine, where's the feedback form?"

6. The message in the Valentine's Day card you write to your spouse has bullet points.

7. Your child informs you the child next door has a new bicycle, and you reply: "The quota for capital expenditure is full for this financial year."

8. You think of your Sunday afternoon family walk as a "team-based bonding activity."

9. You go to school for a meeting with your child's teacher and your first question is: "So, what are his core competencies?"

10. When your child's teacher explains that your child is failing four of his nine subjects, you shout: "What do you expect when you give him such an overdiversified portfolio?"

11. When your daughter announces that she is getting married, you ask her whether she is ready to "undergo such a major paradigm shift."

12. Just before you start your speech at your daughter's wedding reception, you ask her to take minutes.

13. Your speech starts with the words: "Any apologies for absence?"

14. You always choose horrible holiday destinations, because your sole criterion is whether the country's currency has plunged recently. For your daughter's honeymoon, you've booked a cholera hospital in Zimbabwe.

One of the worst workaholics I ever met was a woman who once said: "I don't have friends. I have contacts." I told her she was a work- obsessed automaton devoid of human feelings. She replied: "You say that as if it was a bad thing." That day, I left the office early.

At least we didn't do that

I quote this from an email list I am subscribed to:

"Interesting read [[about Iceland]]....about a country which stood at No.1 in UN's 2008 Human Development Index.... Where the stock market multiplied by 9 times between 2003 and 2007.....Where fishermen became investment bankers.... Whose debt today is 850% of its GDP.... Where people blow up their newly bought cars to claim insurance.... 

Its the only nation on earth that Americans could point to and say, “Well, at least we didn’t do that.”

I agree!

Monday, March 23, 2009

To a teacher

This is amazing and so true. I try to do most of it in my classes but there is still way to go!

To a Teacher
Robert A Grager
(Taken from ‘Beware the Naked Man Who Offers You his Shirt’ by Harvey Mackay )
A class knows you from what they see in you, hear from you and gather from your attitudes and mannerisms. 
Talk clearly. Use the device of repeating if you think there is a need. And PAUSE frequently, allow your students time to collect into a sequence, into some of order their impressions of what you have said. Nothing interferes with good instruction so much as confusion, both from without and from within.
Do not expect immediate grasping of your point, illustration, or reference. After all, the material of the morning should be old stuff to you, but new to your class. Did you grasp what your lesson contains the first time you met its content?
Hold the attention of everyone. When attentiveness wanders, so does thought and, like a swarm of bees, one wanderer can lead the hive into the woods. Be prepared for that! Have something new and arresting up your sleeve- a question, or tell a story, or drop a book, or just stand there in silence if you feel capable of carrying that little trick off, then begin over again.
But don’t complain, ever, about lack of attention. The fault is yours! You are supposed to be interesting one. See that you earn the distinction as a teacher. Better to go far afield and retain the respect of the class than to belabor a point on them without interest; for example, if it’s the weekend of the big game, the big dance, a student uprising, don’t fight it. Surprise them with a choice bit of timely wisdom, give them a five-minute exercise and then let your hair down and talk about what interest them. A good teacher expects a certain amount of such interrupting to his schedule and so plans it, like holiday in industry.
Be eager, especially about your subject, and being eager, be aware that others may have to learn to share your eagerness. You may have to entice them into a readiness for this eagerness concept, so many of the young being prone to put on the armor plate of sophisticated indifference, but, by and large, the young like to laugh. Laughter can be the salt of learning. Note that I said “can be,” for it takes taste and judgment to know when to laugh, when to frown, when to encourage and when to discourage. That is teaching. Would you have it otherwise? But how monotonous all one tone would be, gay and frivolous or acid sour or learnedly dull - heaven forbid! To be dull is the cardinal sin - like being dead. For living and growing is learning and you are one of the landmarks along the road of learning.
Expect no more than is reasonable. After all, you are not responsible for anything but what you contribute to each member of your classes. However, see that you contribute and do not fail into that common apology for inadequacy by blaming a pupil as “hopelessly dumb, stupid, uncooperative, lacking in foundation, below standard, etc.
You are in charge of your class and its instruction because it is up to you to produce commendable results. There is no need for any accusation, nor for loudness. Do not resort to argument. No two classes are identical. So be aware constantly of any special needs or ways that will help you and yours - and do not hesitate to repair any ill-advised venture. These are young minds you are dealing with and your contact with them is precious, never go to class unprepared. That is like a carpenter showing up for work without his tools. If you have to face the dilemma of “what shall I do with them third period this morning?” (As you undoubtedly will), be honest. Your lack is understandable and no explanation is necessary. Turn the class over for discussion, for repair of recent weaknesses, or for one of those “games” you should have up your sleeve. But don’t try to bluff your way through. It will take months to erase the stain of that shame and some of the blemish you never will remove because it is where you can’t get at it.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Sachin Chalisa

A vintage one from the time before the World Cup 2003 final.

Really nice one. One of my personal favourites, not just because it is about one of my favorite cricketers, but because it shows the extent of veneration and demi-god status enjoyed by cricketers in India.

Click on the image to see it completely!